July 3

The Viagra Express


So the other evening I was driving in to work, going north on 99E just north of Canby, when I spotted it: The Viagra Express. Cherry red Corvette, driven by a slightly-past-middle-aged man. He had the top down, wind blowing through his hair plugs, cruising along without a care in the world.

Well, I was in the left-hand lane, he in the right, and as I drive this road every day, I know it very, very well. The Viagra Express had Washington plates, so I assume he wasn’t as familiar with this stretch of 99E as I was. You see, I knew what was coming, and decided to pass him.

In my Kia Rio.

My completely-not-sporty 2006 Kia Rio.

Of course Mr. Mid-Life Crisis didn’t like my particular plan, but as I said he wasn’t very familiar with this stretch of road. It features three left turns, then immediately merges into a single lane for a quarter mile or so, before returning to two lanes. Well, the Corvette driver obviously didn’t expect my little Kia to have the guts to outpace his Penismobile, so he didn’t floor it.

Here’s the thing though: My Kia corners ridiculously well, so those three left turns I mentioned? Yeah, I took them at almost 60, didn’t have to slow one bit. He apparently did the same, but as I was on the “inside lane” of all three turns, with less road to cover than his outside lane, suddenly I’m almost two car lengths ahead of the Viagra Express.

Right when the merge happens. Yup.

Now I could have been a dick and slowed down, but just passing his desperate attempt to regain his lost youth was enough, so I maintained my speed (5 mph over the limit), and took the right lane when the road again split. He took the split with a roar and zoomed past me. I just waved and said “Sorry about your penis!” as he sped away.

A few miles later, I rolled up to a stop light in Oregon City, and found myself again side-by-side with this Corvette. The dude didn’t seem to like this, and started revving his engine, as if to blow past me when the light turned green. Unfortunately, he mistimed his last rev, the light turned green, and suddenly I’m leaving him in my Rio’s dust.


A couple of blocks later, clearly frustrated, the guy cut me off in some desperate attempt to take back his Manhood (if he looked in his rear-view mirror, he would only have seen me laughing my ass off at him), and in doing so, he damn near crashed into the car ahead of me. Once we both turned off onto I-205 North, the Viagra Express punched it, and was probably doing 100+ mph before Exit 10. The only thing that would have topped off this whole affair is if there was a cop waiting just around that bend…

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